Emotional Vampires
How to Stop Narcissists from Draining You
Long time readers know that the mission of this newsletter is to be guided by curiosity. Lately, I’ve been reading and thinking a lot about the mind, in particular in relation to anxiety. Paid subscribers already received a deep dive into some of the techniques to manage anxiety and they will receive much more on that front soon. If you’re thinking about upgrading your subscription to support my work and read all of the paid posts, this will be an excellent time to do so.
The human mind is fascinating. That’s definitely an understatement. I let curiosity guide me when it comes to this newsletter. And since I’ve been doing a lot of reading and research regarding the brain, it’s probably no surprise that I want to explore another topic related to the mind. Today I want to talk about Narcissism.
Have you ever dated or been around a narcissist? I certainly have. Before I get into narcissism as a medical diagnosis and all that it entails, it’s important to state a few basic facts. First, I’m not a licensed psychologist, so don’t look to me for professional advice. If you’re dealing with a narcissist in your life, please make sure to seek professional help. While I can provide you with advice based on my personal research, this is not a replacement for therapy. Second, the word narcissism gets thrown around a lot nowadays. It’s often used by people to disparage someone they have a disagreement with. This is not what this newsletter post is about.
On Narcissism
There’s a big difference between having a healthy dose of self-esteem and being a narcissist. Feeling good about yourself means seeing yourself in a positive way, being confident in what you can do, and understanding your own value. On the other hand, being overly self-centered and manipulative, with a lack of care for others, is what we call pathological narcissism. Narcissists lack empathy.
There are two main types of narcissists.
Grandiose (Overt) Narcissism: The classic narcissist: arrogant, entitled, and exploitative.
Vulnerable (Covert) Narcissism: Insecurity masked by hypersensitivity to criticism, envy, and expectations of special treatment.
I think the overt narcissist is easier to spot. You can probably think back in your own life and identify a couple of people who probably fit that diagnosis. I can think of a few right now. It’s the covert narcissist who is a lot harder to identify and therefore is more dangerous.
Covert narcissists are not like the typical, loud narcissists you might imagine. They don't show off or act overly confident, but they still lack empathy and can be manipulative in relationships, which can be harmful. One way that they do this is by being passive aggressive. They often use sneaky tactics to manipulate emotions, such as giving the silent treatment, sulking, or making someone feel guilty. This goes hand in hand with their need to feel special. An overt narcissist will brag about how extraordinary they are, while a covert one might discuss their difficulties as exceptionally painful or subtly suggest they possess a unique yet unrecognized talent. They’re also hypersensitive to criticism. The smallest slight, even a perceived one, can trigger emotional reactions disproportionate to the situation.
Narcissists tend to form relationships with people who boost their self-esteem or social status. They also take advantage of people for selfish reasons. If you’re in their way, they won’t hesitate to use you or discard you, depending on what their needs are in that moment.
I think it’s also important to note that envy is a big part of what drives narcissists. Not only are they deeply envious of others, but they also expect others to be envious of them. One way that envy manifests itself is by belittling and diminishing what others have achieved.
Other Red Flags:
Love Bombing: At the start, they might overwhelm you with a lot of affection, flattering words, and promises that create a fast and intense connection that seems almost too good to be true. This is a tactic to quickly draw you in.
A Need to Control: They may feel the need to closely manage, criticize, or always have the final say in your choices, whether big or small. This control might extend to areas like your social life, finances, or appearance.
Gaslighting: This sneaky tactic involves denying, downplaying, or distorting your experiences to make you question your own perception. The aim is to shake your confidence and reality, giving them more power.
The Blame Game: Narcissists rarely admit when they're wrong. Instead, they often shift blame onto others, finding someone else to blame rather than taking responsibility.
Superiority Complex: They may think they're better than everyone else, believing they have special talents or deserve more. This can show up in condescending conversations or an attitude of 'rules don't apply to me.'
Protecting Yourself
If you are narcissist reading this, you need to get help. Admitting that in yourself is a huge step, so consider taking the next steps in your healing journey. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder and you can be helped with the aid of a therapist.
For the rest of us, it’s important to stay alert and have a toolbox ready in order to protect ourselves. Narcissists are emotional vampires. They can suck the joy out of your life with their need for control and lack of accountability.
So, how do we stop narcissists from emotionally draining us? Here are some suggestions on steps that you can take.
Establish clear boundaries: Clearly state what you can and cannot accept.
Don't anticipate change: Fundamental change is often challenging for them due to their profound insecurity.
Prioritize your well-being: If your interactions consistently leave you drained, it might be best to reduce or end the relationship if possible.
Stay composed and avoid taking things personally: Narcissists may attempt to provoke or elicit a reaction, particularly when upset. Refrain from taking it personally and resist responding in a similar manner.
I have to say that in the past I have failed at all of these ways to protect myself. I wasn’t good at establishing boundaries nor did I prioritize my well-being. In fact, I typically tend to put the other person’s needs above my own in every scenario. I learned the hard way that this is really detrimental to one’s own mental health.
Recently, when I dealt with a grandiose narcissist in a public setting and their incessant provocations, I lost my cool and played straight into their hand. I learned from that and it’s not happening again. I can say in my defense that I’m only human and this was a person who had been verbally attacking me for a long time, but I should have known better and kept my cool. Looking with some more perspective now, I can see how that person is particularly driven by envy and a deep sense of insecurity.
Most narcissists don’t get help, so I’m not under the illusion that this person will ever change. All I can do is limit my interactions and stay composed in how I react.
What about you? Have you had any experience with true narcissists?
Thanks for reading.
Learn more about NPD at the following link.
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