I'm So Tired

An Essay on Depression

I’m always tired. Actually, I’m exhausted. It’s not due to some wild life of partying or anything of the sort. I wish, because at least that could be cured with some rest and better life choices. I’ve been under so much stress for the past two years dealing with issues related to custody of my kids that I got burnt out. This includes everything from depleting finances, court visits, and strained relationships. This burnout led to being emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted, which has now turned into depression.

Burnout and depression go hand in hand, the evil twins of despair. It’s difficult to find motivation to do almost anything. Even at work, where I typically feel driven because my job actually improves other’s lives, I’ve been struggling to find meaning. I’m not good at faking or pretending, so I feel that others can see right through me. Of course, they don’t know what’s really causing my lackluster energy. They probably think that I’m just tired, like a typical person who maybe went to bed too late. However, my tiredness is not situational; it’s existential. They don’t know that I’m trying my best to be engaged and driven, but sometimes I can’t.

It’s hard to be the best version of yourself when you don’t have the energy to do so. It’s hard to be the best employee. It’s hard to be the best partner. It’s hard to be the best dad.

Lately, I’m not very fun to be around. I hate that.

The most depressing thing about depression is that your own brain is working against you. A part of you knows what you need to do, but the dominant part of you is so tired that it doesn’t see the point. All of the things that are good for you are the things that you don’t want to do. You know you should go out and call a friend, but you also don’t want to. It’s yourself against yourself and it’s draining.

I recently started taking a new anti-depressant, which should take a couple of weeks to start working. I also workout pretty regularly. I’m also attempting to follow some of those Stoic principles of trying to live in the moment and not worry so much about things that are out of my control. I did therapy for many months as well.

All that to say that it’s not for a lack of trying. Writing this very personal and revelatory essay may have given me pause a few months ago, but I’m too exhausted to think too much about it. This is what’s on my mind, literally. It’s no coincidence that my deep dives for my paid subscribers have been about mental health topics. I’m learning about my brain and mental health overall in order to give myself and others the tools necessary to thrive when times are tough

There are moments of joy, of course. It’s not all gloom and doom all the time. I enjoy spending time with my loved ones, but of course, the darkness still creeps in, uninvited. My hope is that this new medication and my routine of exercising and resting will slowly begin to take effect and the darkness will start to recede.

I feel like this post is all over the place. If you’re struggling as well, I hope it makes you feel less alone. Don’t let depression lie to you. You can do this, even if it’s one small step at a time. For now, I got to go. I’m so tired.

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