Teenage boys don’t smile very often for pictures. For family pictures, they might smile occasionally after being repeatedly asked by their mothers to do so, but that’s the extent of their friendliness toward the camera. As a former teenager many moons ago, I can attest that this was my modus operandi for a while.
I think that this attitude came from the erroneous idea that smiling, say for a school ID picture, is a sign of weakness. I know I’m not the only teenager boy who thought that way. Many of my friends didn’t smile, either. Any quick Google search online shows you that this is a well-known sociological phenomenon. It’s based on a false idea of what masculinity is or isn’t. This wasn’t only a dilemma from when I was a kid. Teenage boys still behave this way today. I know that many of Jackie’s students also behave this way.
Obviously, a smile is not a sign of weakness, but this wasn’t obvious to me back then. I wanted to portray that I was strong and tough, even if I wasn’t.
Fashion for a lot of men has that same connotation.
(Obviously this wouldn’t be a newsletter about fashion if I didn’t have any pictures, so there are some throughout this essay.)
I know that there are people of all genders who don’t care about fashion. This doesn’t mean that they necessarily have no care about their overall appearance, but simply that they don’t put too much thought into what they wear. However, for the most part, this has typically been the case for people who identify as men. Unless you live in some huge cosmopolitan metropolis, most men in America dress without any fashion sense whatsoever. They wear football jerseys to restaurants, or they wear mismatched clothes and commit many other fashion sins. Whenever I’m around town and see a man wearing something fashionable, I feel a sense of kinship, as if we were members of a secret club.
I guess what I’m really talking about is having a sense of style. I didn’t always have this. In fact, not until I started going to community college did I start to develop a sense of style. It was a slow progression, but one that started to boost my self-confidence. There’s that old adage that says, “Look good, feel good.” It’s absolutely true. The moment I started caring about what my style was, I started to almost immediately feel better about myself, and I certainly noticed that I was getting more attention than usual from the opposite sex. Was this because of my style, or was it because of my confidence? I don’t know for sure, but I wouldn’t have grown in my confidence without taking my appearance seriously.
Of course, you shouldn’t develop a sense of style simply to look appealing to other people. You always should do it for yourself. The fact that other people appreciate it is simply a bonus. If you start putting too much weight in getting external validation, that house of cards can quickly collapse because it’s built on a shaky foundation.
Men and Fashion
Some men will read this essay and dismiss it because they truly never think about style. Others will read this essay and dismiss it because “fashion is for girls.” Sidestepping the fact that something “for girls” is often used in a negative connotation, and that’s a totally different conversation, these are the same men who are still as insecure as when they were teenagers. They never grew up. These are the same men who think pink is exclusively a “girl’s color.” It’s an old mentality, often a toxic one.
Style is certainly subjective. You don’t have to wear a suit in order to be stylish. Intention is key when it comes to defining your style. This means that you have to be intentionally thinking about how you want to portray yourself. Of course, it evolves as you get older. You find different inspirations. You find different style icons.
Not many men talk openly about this topic because it’s not seen as a masculine topic. There are so many experiences that men miss out on because they’re afraid to be seen vulnerable, or God forbid, feminine. The hell with that. Be yourself.
Over the years, I’ve gotten compliments from male strangers and friends on my fashion sense. I appreciate that because I know how uncomfortable some of them may have felt to even bring it up.
I have an optimistic sense of the world, so I hope that this changes with the younger generation. I think it is. Patrick, a young co-worker of mine, recently started a conversation with me about an article of clothing he bought. He showed me what it looked like online. Then he showed me the others and asked my opinion. We talked about fashion, style and how it makes you feel good. I shared with him my fashion Pinterest board. (Yes, I have one and it’s amazing and I will share it with you also.) Then I told him to let me know how his coat looked when it arrived in the mail later than evening. He texted me a picture of him wearing it. It looked great, by the way.
That kind of exchange would have never happened 20 years ago when I was his age and still unlearning some of the toxicity that ensnares the male gender. Like I said, I’m optimistic about the next generation.
Over the years, I have also seen male acquaintances lament how they feel lonely and without companionship. I’m not saying that dressing better is going to solve all of their problems, but I can almost guarantee that having a boost of confidence in their appearance would do a lot for their self-esteem and mental health. Caring about your appearance goes a long way in helping you to start feeling better about yourself. Again, it’s by no means a cure to any ailment, but it’s a start in the journey of self-care.
Sometimes I want to shake these guys a bit and tell them how much better they would feel about themselves if they started caring about their appearance. Start learning about fashion, start working out, and start getting therapy if needed. All of these things will help anyone develop more confidence.
At one point or another, I’ve even thought of having some sort of consulting service where I would go shopping with someone locally and show them the ropes, of maybe even doing it online. I don’t know that Topeka is ready for that kind of service, but who knows? It could be fun. I enjoy fashion and I enjoy teaching other. I also enjoy helping people.
As promised, here’s the link to my Fashion Pinterest board. And if you’re looking into suits, then I also have a Pinterest board for Suit Styles.
As I mentioned earlier, anyone can learn how to dress better. You need to be curious and frankly, you also need to care less about what others think about what is gender conforming. Be yourself. Be free to dress however you want.
Thanks for reading.
Also, this.
If you find value in Constantly Curious, I hope you might consider becoming a paid subscriber and supporting my work as I try to build a career as an independent writer. I’m glad you’re here. Want to treat me to a coffee and support Constantly Curious? Venmo: @Israel-Sanchez-148