I’m reading, or rather listening, to Walter Isaacson’s biography on Elon Musk. I’m about halfway through the 600-page book. Once I’m done, I’ll probably share my thoughts about the book, which really means I’ll share my thoughts on Elon Musk, the controversial billionaire. Everyone has an opinion on Musk. I don’t know if mine will change much after reading the entire book, but I’m open to it.
Something I’ll share now from my reading is that Elon’s father was really tough on him. Frankly, he was verbally and mentally abusive in very extreme ways. It certainly shaped him and affected him, even to this day. It doesn’t justify or condone Elon’s own bullish behavior, but it certainly helps to explain it.
In the book, Isaacson quotes former president Barack Obama:
“Someone once said that every man is trying to live up to his father's expectations or make up for their father's mistakes.”
That really hit home.
It’s clear that for Elon Musk, most of his focus is to live up to and perhaps even surpass his father’s expectations, but to me, it’s mostly been about the latter. Because we haven’t seen each other in 20 years and have had little communication, I’m not even sure what my father’s expectations of me were. I’m sure he had some, maybe he still does. I can make educated guesses based on brief interactions decades ago, but that’s a dangerous game that doesn’t help anyone much.
The mantra of, “I will not be like my father,” is something that I’ve consciously reminded myself of a lot in my early 20s. He was a good father when we lived together in Havana, but he was a terrible romantic partner to the many women in his life. As I have shared before, he was the reason why he and my mom got divorced. And as far as I can tell, he never changed. Maybe he has now that he’s older, but 20 years ago, when I last visited him, he hadn’t.
That was his main mistake, at least to me. The other main one was teaching me, rather indoctrinating me, into believing that men are not supposed to show any feelings, that repressing everything is a sign of strength. I’m still dealing with the repercussions of that ingrained narrative today. To cry was a sign of weakness, which meant being feminine. This mistake has been harder for me not to emulate.
Obviously, my dad is yet another man caught up in what we now call toxic masculinity. But just because he may be a victim of the systems he didn’t built, it doesn’t give him a free pass to act with impunity. Systems or not, we’re all responsible for our actions. I’ve also been indoctrinated into that same system over time, but I’ve been trying to do the internal work of changing and healing. Like with any deprogramming, it takes time and it’s exhausting. It’s easy to return to what feels like a default setting when challenging times present themselves. There’s comfort in the default, even if that setting is really, really, really messed up. It’s what we know.
Something about this issue that terrifies me is when I think about this in relation to my son. What am I teaching him? What example am I setting? What unrealistic expectations am I unwittingly placing on him?
I won’t get everything right. As much as I may want to, I will make mistakes and I will repeat patterns that I learned and vowed to eliminate. However, I do think that because I’m aware of these issues, I will be able to recognize things before they become bad habits or patterns over a prolonged period of time. I hope that what I teach my son is how to be a better man than me. I hope he doesn’t feel the need to live up to some unrealistic expectation, or the need to make up for my mistakes. That’s what I hope. I guess time will tell. I can only do the best I can.
Thanks for reading.
Here are three other essays that I’ve written that touch on the nature of father-son relationships and/or being a man in general.
-Ted Lasso: On Fathers and Sons
-Roots
-Men Don’t Have Close Friends (Paid Subscribers)
What are your thoughts?
A few years before he died, my father complained to me "You called me a bastard". This was when I was a teenager. My reply to him was "That's because you were."
Like many people, perhaps indicative of the baby boomer generation, I set out to give my kids, the love and attention that I didn't get. Sure I made mistakes along the way, but I acknowledged them and apologised for them. I spent years estranged from my father. I see my adult kids and grandkids all the time. Maybe Musk's personality traits can be attributed to his upbringing, or maybe like my father, it's a combination of nurture, high IQ and low EQ, which is not uncommon. Maybe he is also a genius as a consequence of his upbringing. Perhaps the book will help in figuring it out. To be successful, you don't have to be a nice guy, but it helps imho
Thank you for sharing your story, your vulnerability, and the wisdom you learn. It’s is a beautiful gift to all of us.