“Things look like they’re going great for you!” a friend of mine recently told me while having a conversation in person. I hadn’t seen my friend in a while, and he was basing this observation on what he had seen me post on social media.
“That’s just what you see online,” I told him. “The reality is much different.” Then I began to explain how difficult this year had been. He was shocked.
“I had no idea,” he said, his eyes still open wide in confusion. “You look so happy all the time on your Facebook pictures.”
I was shocked that he was shocked. We all curate our lives online. Presenting the best version of ourselves, the fun trips, the witty retorts, the smiling pictures; it’s all part of our daily lives. Taking four different selfies in order to get the right one and then editing that one ad nauseum is what most of us do. That’s what’s expected. It’s rare when someone posts about how miserable their lives are or how unhappy they are. It happens, but it’s rare and most of the time people don’t interact much with those posts. And to be honest, when those people become too much of a Debbie-Downer, they slowly get shunned. Most of us present the best version of ourselves to the online world.
Why do we do this? Why do we present this curated version of ourselves? There are several reasons that come to mind.
Social Validation and Acceptance: Everyone (I know not technically everyone, but you know what I mean) else is doing it. Presenting an idealized version of ourselves is the norm. The pictures we post of ourselves are always the most flattering. Our lives seem interesting and exciting, just like the rest of our online friends. Everyone, it seems, is having a great time. Of course, just like we’re masking the suffering and the pain, so are they. We all know it on some level but are often deceived by the curated images that everyone else posts. We in turn deceive them as well.
Preserving the self: We get to tell our own story. We get to control, at least online, how others perceive us. We choose what to share and also what not to share. Posting an inspirational anecdote, or something funny, or something heroic, allows us to create a narrative around our persona.
Making a Good Impression: This point correlates to the one above. But it’s a little bit different. Think of LinkedIn. That social network is strictly designed for people to present a specific version of themselves. When you look at the typical post on LinkedIn, it’s usually devoid of much personality. There’s a type of corporate speak that most people use on LinkedIn because that’s the impression we want to make on there.
How else can we think about this topic? There are several schools of thought that we can use as a frame of reference to talk about this idea of different selves. However, there are two that I think are particularly useful.
The first way to think about this is through the work of Jean Baudrillard. Baudrillard was a prominent French intellectual who lived from 1929 to 2007, made significant contributions to the fields of sociology, cultural theory, and philosophy. He gained recognition for his thought-provoking and influential concepts within the framework of postmodernism, simulation, hyperreality, and an exploration of contemporary society.
Postmodernism, hyperreality? I know, there’s a lot to unpack there, but we’re going to leave those bags packed for this essay. What you need to know about his work for our context is the following:
Simulacra and the Hyperreal: Baudrillard argues that the online world is dominated by simulacra, that is copies without originals, therefore creating a hyperreal realm where the differences between reality and simulation collapses.
The Dissolution of the Self: In this hyperreal environment, Baudrillard suggests that the traditional notion of a fixed, authentic self dissolves. We become "simulacra of ourselves," constantly performing and constructing our identities based on external expectations.
The Loss of Agency: Baudrillard sees this as a negative development, as individuals lose agency and become passive consumers of simulations, which ultimately lead to alienation and a sense of meaninglessness.
✅ To summarize, Baudrillard believed that we constantly perform and shape our identities based on external expectations and influences rather than having a stable core. In his view, our online world, with its abundance of copies and simulations, makes it harder for us to maintain an authentic sense of identity.
While I agree that we sometimes base our online identities on external expectations (LinkedIn etiquette for example), I’m not sure if that in fact makes it harder for us to maintain our true identities. In my opinion, whatever aspects others experience about us online is just another facet of our identities.
There is another thinker that agrees with that statement I just made.
That philosopher is Judith Butler. Born on February 24, 1956, Judith Butler is a highly influential American philosopher and gender theorist. Her work focuses on the realms of feminist theory, queer theory, and philosophy. Here are the most relevant parts of her work to out discussion, and as you’ll see, they’re in sharp contrast to those of Baudrillard.
Performativity and the Fragmentary Self: For Butler, the self is not a fixed entity but rather a fragmented and performative process. We constantly enact different aspects of ourselves through various social and cultural performances.
Online Platforms as Stages: According to Butler, online platforms serve as supplementary stages for these performances. We meticulously shape our online profiles to enact specific identities and navigate our roles within diverse online communities.
Openness and Fluidity: Unlike Baudrillard, Butler emphasizes the openness and fluidity of this performative process. The online world offers opportunities to explore different identities and resist conforming to fixed social norms.
I don’t agree exactly with all of Butler’s points, but I do agree that all of the online platforms we spend a lot of time on are in a way stages where we get to choose who we are. I mean, long before we had the Internet, Shakespeare declared that all the world’s a stage. He was onto something.
This also happens in our daily lives. At work, I’m professional and dress in a certain way to project an image of me that I want my co-workers to perceive. At home, I’m more relaxed and will certainly dress differently. Does that mean that I’m two different people, or that I’m deceiving my co-workers? Of course not. Like Baudrillard said, external circumstances will shape part of our identity or how we present ourselves. But like Butler believes, this doesn’t mean that we don’t have a core, it just means that our identity is fragmented, and we adapt to our environment.
👋 Take this example from my personal life. I recently went to my daughter’s school, and I read to her and her classmates. I posted about it on Facebook, as well as LinkedIn. On Facebook, I shared it with friends and family. I wanted to commemorate that event and let my family and friends see it, but I’m also indirectly telling others that I’m a dedicated father. I also shared it on LinkedIn and I wanted to indirectly communicate to colleagues that I’m a good father and that I’m also invested in our community’s youth. Because I was talking to different audiences, I used slightly different language when I shared the same post with the same picture.
In case you can’t read the picture, here’s that comparison:
I volunteered to read at Penny’s school today. I got to surprise her and it was awesome! She and one of her classmates took me to the other two kindergarten classes I read to. Reading was so important to me growing up and it still is as an adult.
Thanks to United Way I read to four kindergarten classes this afternoon at my daughter’s school. I hadn’t told Penny beforehand, so I got to surprise her and it was awesome. The kids really got into it and enjoyed the reading. As a kid, I read all the time and I still do as an adult. I’m glad I can instill how important and fun reading can be to my own kids, as well as their classmates.
Same post, different style of writing for different audiences. I’m still the same person, but I’m presenting a different version of myself to convey a different message. We all do it and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Of course, there’s a different conversation to be had about what social media does to our self-esteem. Studies have shown how it particularly affects teenagers who compare their lives to those of others and assume that only their lives are terrible, that everyone else is having a great time. It’s not just teenagers, of course. We all inadvertently or not compare our lives based on what others post. We tend to forget that people only post the best version of themselves. This comparison is not good for our mental health. This particular topic deserves its own deep dive and we’ll leave that for another time.
In an upcoming essay, I plan on talking more about the topic of our different selves. In particular, I’ll be looking back at my 15-year-old self. I’ll have pictures! Do you remember who you were as a teenager? Sometimes it’s embarrassing to look back, but it can also be fun.
What do you think of this topic? Thanks for reading. Please, share, re-stack, and if you can, consider upgrading your subscription.
If you find value in Constantly Curious, I hope you might consider becoming a paid subscriber and supporting my work as I try to build a career as an independent writer. I’m glad you’re here. Want to treat me to a coffee and support Constantly Curious? Venmo: @Israel-Sanchez-148
An interesting topic.
As ever, you approach the subject from varied and layered perspectives.
I would be interested in your thoughts about whether people's essential character is capable of change, or whether circumstances makes certain aspects visible while the underlying character remains unchanged.
Really valuable discussion, Israel. I believe it's possible to have an essence of self we carry with us through life and add to as we have new experiences and encounters.
But we are also free to bring out, or emphasise, particular aspects of our character or personality depending on who we talk to. Whether that's worth doing online, from social network to network, I'm not sure. Who's got the time?
From a copywriter's perspective, we talk about cohesion and consistency of voice a lot. What varies is the tone in a particular context. Even your LinkedIn vs Facebook side-by-side comparison was a good example of that.
The older I get, the more I live by a core philosophy – do you.