The Worst Love Story Ever Told

And What Makes Relationships Healthy

I’ll say this first. It’s totally okay that you like this movie. I’m not trying to shame you. It’s a work of fiction and it hopefully doesn’t really describe how you approach romantic relationships in real life. More than likely, you saw this movie when you were a teenager, or like me, when you were 21. We tend to romanticize certain ideals in our youth and we tend to look back at certain types of media with nostalgia. With that said, The Notebook is extremely problematic.

When you ask someone what the most romantic movie of all time is, The Notebook is usually the most common answer. But is it really? In this essay we’re going to take a deep dive at all the red flags in the film. Hopefully, this will help you identify those warning signs in any future romantic partners and you will run away as fast as possible.

Of course, if you’ve been here long enough, you know that’s not all I will do in this essay. I’ll also note that part of the reason why many people tend to think this movie as romantic is because of the attractiveness of the two leads, Ryan Gosling, who plays Noah, and Rachel McAdams, who plays Allie. We’ll get into why that matters later.

At the end, we’ll also add all the red flags, because why not?

MANIPULATION

When Noah first meets Allie at the fair, he immediately feels drawn to her. Sure, she’s an attractive girl, so that part is understandable. He approaches her and asks her to dance and she says no. She was actually there on a date with someone else. He keeps asking her and she rebuffs him several times. What does Noah do after that? He jumps onto the Ferris wheel ride that she was on with her date and dangles on there until she agrees to go out with him. He literally threatens to commit suicide unless she goes out with him. At the end of the scene, this is played for laughs. We are meant to think of this as a romantic gesture. In reality, here we have two red flags; One, not respecting her decision. Two, he’s using the threat of killing himself to manipulate her to get what he wants. 🚩🚩

TURMOIL DEPICTED AS LOVE

Every couple has conflict. In fact, every relationship, whether romantic or not, has conflict. However, Noah and Allie spent most of their time together fighting. This is portrayed in the movie as a sign of a functioning relationship. It’s not the avoidance of conflict that makes a relationship good or bad, but how you work through it. Their constant bickering and all out yelling matches is not sustainable. And yet, this is described as a good thing. I wonder how many teenagers have been in horrible relationships and felt somehow influenced by this idea that the more heated an argument is, the more “passion” there is. 🚩

OBSESSION

After Noah and Allie break up, he writes her a letter a day for an entire year. That’s 365 unanswered letters. That is not healthy. It turns out that her mom had been hiding the letters. However, Noah didn’t know that. All he knows is that his ex-girlfriend moved on and he couldn’t handle it. Imagine if your ex partner sends you 365 texts, one a day for a year. You would probably call the cops. Noah also shows that he’s unable to move on when he buys the house Allie wanted many years ago. It’s creepy. Let’s be real. That gets two flags for me because if its disturbing factor. 🚩🚩

BAD CHOICES

Upon seeing an article about Noah buying the house, Allie decides to tell her now fiancé that she had some things to take care of. He is supportive and gives her his blessing to take care of whatever it is she needs to do. He doesn’t ask many questions and she’s purposefully vague about her real intentions. Long story short, she meets up with Noah again and is eventually unfaithful to her doting fiancé. That’s an automatic red flag. Allie keeps making bad choices. She thinks that the security and stability offered by her fiancé Lon is boring. She prefers Noah’s passion, i.e., verbal abuse. So many red flags here. 🚩🚩🚩

Let’s Count Them

There’s more than I can say about this movie and its unhealthy depiction of a love story. Allie and Noah’s relationship is not healthy. It’s a very toxic relationship. Let’s add up all of these flags. Are you ready?

That’s a total of eight red flags: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

That’s probably not flags enough, to be honest.

The Halo Effect

Earlier, I briefly mentioned how the fact that the actors playing the roles of Noah and Allie are both attractive and how perhaps this is another reason why we tend to think back fondly of this story.

There’s a cognitive bias called “The Halo Effect.” In essence, if someone has one positive characteristic, it tends to create a "halo" around that person, which in turns makes us more likely to see other qualities in a positive light. If we deem someone physically attractive, then we tend to also think that they’re also kind, intelligent and have other positive qualities without any evidence whatsoever. This bias is important to keep in mind, whether in our personal or professional settings. We should pass accurate judgments of others based on their merits, instead of their looks.

Is it possible then that people tend to forgive some of Noah’s creepiness because he’s played by Ryan Gosling? I definitely think so. Is it possible that we tend to forgive Allie’s shadiness because she’s played by Rachel McAdams? Again, I definitely think so.

What does a good relationship look like?

Now that we’ve spent a lot of time talking about what not to do in a relationship, I think it would be good to finish this essay with some tips on what to do. By no means this is an exhaustive list of all good traits to have, but a starting point for you to explore and think about.

Effective Communication: Everyone communicates differently. Being open and honest, as well as an active listener, is a very important part to have a healthy relationship.

Trust: Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Both partners should feel secure and confident in each other's commitment.

Individual Identity: It’s key for each partner to maintain their individuality within the relationship. It’s easy to lose yourself when you start dating someone. A healthy partnership encourages personal growth and individuality.

Intimacy: Emotional and physical intimacy are important aspects of a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, partners feel a strong sense of connection, express affection towards each other, and prioritize meeting each other's needs.

Quality Time: Dedicating meaningful time to each other is vital for establishing and nurturing a strong bond. Actively participating in shared activities or simply enjoying each other's presence on a regular basis nurtures the relationship and strengthens the connection.

These are only a few of the qualities of what makes a relationship a healthy one, the green flags if you will. There are certainly more and more than likely I’ll write more about those in an upcoming essay. Of course, all of these take practice and intentionality. In order to become a better partner, you must have honest and open conversations and be willing to do the necessary work to improve.

In the end, you can enjoy The Notebook as a work of fiction, but please don’t take any relationship advice from it.

What are your thoughts about what makes a relationship strong and healthy?

Also, I’ll be releasing a paid subscriber’s only post later this week, if you’ve been thinking about upgrading, this is the time to do it. Check out the offer below. You get a free week and can access the paid archives!

As always, thanks for reading.

If you find value in Constantly Curious, I hope you might consider becoming a paid subscriber and supporting my work as I try to build a career as an independent writer. I’m glad you’re here. Want to treat me to a coffee and support Constantly Curious? Venmo: @Israel-Sanchez-148