“Hell, is other people!”
That’s the famous line uttered by one of the characters in Jean-Paul Sartre’s play, No Exit. The one-act play takes place in a single room, which serve as hell. Instead of fire and brimstone, the characters realize that their punishment is each other. They are trapped and forced to confront their sins and desires, and equally important, the judgment from others. There are no walls and no mirrors. You only see yourself through the eyes of others.
True torment, according to Sartre, is being constantly judged by others.
Many years ago, on our way to a baseball game, my uncle stopped at a gas station to buy cigarettes. Waiting in the car were two of my best friends, both teenage boys like myself. Before my uncle opened the door to the gas station, a young woman in her 20s was a few steps ahead of him. Naturally, he opened the door for her to go first. My friends were joking and commenting on how hot she was, and then making fun of my uncle for not checking her out.
It’s true, my uncle opened the door for her and his eyes never deviated from looking straight ahead. And in that moment I thought that if that had been my dad not only would he have checked her out, but he would probably have gotten her phone number, despite him being married.
I grew up surrounded by those two versions of masculinity. On one side, there was the loyal and gentle way of my uncle, where masculinity was measured by how you treat others. On the other side, there was the flirty and risky way of my father, where masculinity was centered on being a womanizer.
Perhaps because my uncle raised me from when I was 11 to essentially adulthood, I’ve always been more aligned with his version of masculinity. This leads me to the obvious observation that perhaps if I had been raised by my dad then I would probably be more like him. I’d like to think not, that my own moral compass, that my own way of seeing the world would have steered me in the right direction. But the truth is that I will never know because that’s not how my life turned out to be. This reminds me of a famous Cuban saying, “Tell me who you’re with and I’ll tell you who you are.”
Essentially, you become like the company you keep. Like any axiom, there’s a kernel of truth there. Your environment shapes who you are to a degree. I think this is especially true in your formative years.
Nowadays, the company you keep doesn’t have to be someone you know in real life. You can immerse yourself in online communities, in podcasts, in YouTube videos and find that sense of belonging. Some of those places are healthy and helpful, but some are not.
Enter the manosphere; an amorphous movement where young men are often radicalized. One of the most influential voices is Andrew Tate, a former kickboxing champion, turned online influencer, and most recently arrested (and released for now) for alleged human trafficking. Tate’s brand of masculinity is one fueled by hatred of women. From calling women “stupid” and saying they shouldn’t vote, to even blaming victims of rape for their assault. The list goes on. Although he’s not as popular as he once was due to his legal troubles, he has influenced thousands upon thousands of young men, in particular young boys.
Tate is just one small element of the manosphere though. Here are some more key factions:
Men’s Rights Activists (MRAs): At their core, MRAs talk about real issues—family court bias, domestic violence against men, workplace discrimination. Those are conversations worth having. But often, the tone shifts from advocacy to resentment, painting women as adversaries rather than partners.
Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW): This group has essentially sworn off relationships with women, especially marriage. It’s a philosophy of self-preservation, but at its extreme, it becomes bitter, even hostile. The message? Women are too risky, too manipulative, too dangerous.
Pick-Up Artists (PUAs): Remember those old dating “gurus” who sold books about seduction tricks? They’re still around, just updated for TikTok and YouTube. The focus is on manipulation, not connection—treating dating like a game to be won.
Involuntary Celibates (Incels): Maybe the darkest corner of the manosphere. Incels are men who feel rejected by women and, in many cases, rejected by society itself. The anger in these communities can boil over into hatred—sometimes even violence.
The Red Pill Community: Borrowing from The Matrix, these folks claim to have “woken up” to the “truth” about gender roles—that society secretly favors women, and men need to reclaim traditional masculinity. It’s a seductive narrative for men who feel lost, but it’s built on fear, not growth.
The more I read about this movement, the more I think about Oliver, and boys like him. Who will shape his idea of manhood if I’m not paying attention? Because these communities aren’t just abstract internet chatter; they’re whispering to our sons, telling them how to think about love, women, and themselves.
The irony is that as these boys consume more and more of this toxic content that is supposed to “help them,” it actually makes them angrier and depressed. In this case, hell is other people. Hell is the other men who perpetuate these dangerous ideas. Hell is the patriarchy.
This essay is an introduction to these concepts and online communities. I plan on breaking down some more of these “factions” in future posts, so please make sure to share with other men in your life who may benefit from these conversations.
We need better role models in real life. But we also need better role models in our online communities. These displays of misogyny cannot be the only content about manhood that our young boys consume online. Whether we like it or not, the Internet is a place where most young kids spend a lot of their time, so it’s imperative that we raise voices that teaches boys that masculinity is not about being the “alpha” (a stupid term I hate), but that men can be tender and kind. We need to teach them that being sensitive doesn’t make you less of a man. We need to teach them to see women as equals, not as a different class of people to manipulate or subjugate.
Thanks for reading. What do you think?
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Here are other posts I’ve written regarding masculinity:
-Lonely Together: The Complexity of Male Friendships
-Making Up For Mistakes
-It’s Just Fashion
Wow. A provocative, powerful and painful read.